Top Toddler Tips from Toddlers Made Easy Author and Pediatrician Dr. Cathryn Tobin
Wouldn't it be great to have a pediatrician on speed dial? In this episode, retired pediatrician and mom of four Dr. Cathryn Tobin shares her Big-Hearted Parenting approach to toddler tantrums, picky eating, bedtime, goodbyes and new siblings. Her book, Toddlers Made Easy: Becoming the Parent Every Child Needs, covers ages 1 to 4.
Watch the video above, then scroll down for the key takeaways, guest links and the full transcript.
What you'll learn in this episode
Change how you think about “misbehavior.” Seeing a toddler as immature or inexperienced, rather than misbehaving, helps you respond calmly. It is not permissive.
Try the power pause. Take a few seconds to calm your own fight-or-flight response before you react. Feel your feet on the ground, count to 10, sing a song or step away.
Teach skills after the moment passes. Deal with a grabbed toy safely right then, then teach how to ask for a turn, share or ask “Can I play with you?” later.
Set realistic expectations. Many struggles come from asking more than a one-, two- or three-year-old can do.
Model what you want to see. Kids pick up more from the small ways you treat people than from lectures, nagging or timeouts.
Treat bedtime as a separation challenge. Acknowledge that saying good night is hard, hold firm (two books, not five) and offer a transition object like a stuffed animal or blanket.
Make goodbyes easier. Explain what will happen next, share a small ritual like a heart drawn on your hands, pick up a friend on the way to daycare, and ask your child what would help.
Avoid food wars. Offer choices, always include a food your child is comfortable with, and skip the “one more bite” and dessert bargaining.
Prepare for a new sibling. Don't blame the baby, validate your toddler's feelings, keep a box of special toys that only comes out at feeding time, and notice whether your child likes being the helper.
Expect tantrums. They are natural, healthy and going to happen, so get comfortable with them.
About the guest: Dr. Cathryn Tobin
Dr. Cathryn Tobin was a pediatrician for 35 years and is a mom of four. She is the host of the podcast Toddlers Made Easy and the author of the book Toddlers Made Easy: Becoming the Parent Every Child Needs, a Dorling Kindersley (DK) book for parents of children ages 1 to 4. Her approach is called Big-Hearted Parenting.
Website: healthiest-baby.com
Instagram: @healthiest_baby
Book: Toddlers Made Easy, available from major booksellers, Amazon and Indigo
Podcast: Toddlers Made Easy
Free download: 5 Things About Tantrums
Disclosure: Marijo was provided a copy of the book.
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Full episode transcript
Read the full transcript
Intro (recorded)
As parents to young ones, everyone needs all the help they can get. Today's guest will help by giving so many great ideas with her big-hearted parenting approach for things like tantrums, food challenges, new siblings, bedtime and so much more. Dr. Cathryn Tobin has been a pediatrician for 35 years. She's a mom of four, the host of the podcast Toddlers Made Easy, and the author of a recent book called Toddlers Made Easy: Becoming the Parent Every Child Needs. You can find her on social media at The Healthiest Baby, and also check out the description for access to a free download called “Handle Tantrums Like a Pro.” I can't wait for you to hear more from Dr. Tobin today. Welcome to the Teaching Your Toddler Show.
Marijo: Hello, this is Marijo Tinlin from the Teaching Your Toddler Show. Today we have a great guest who has a wonderful book that I know you are going to love. Dr. Cathryn Tobin joins us to talk about toddlers and about her book. Dr. Tobin, welcome to the show. Tell us a little bit about yourself.
Dr. Tobin: Thank you very much. I'm a general pediatrician, and I've been practicing for about 35 years. I've just retired my office after all of these years. I'm also the mother of four grown adult kids, and I have a great big goldendoodle and a lovely two-year-old granddaughter.
Marijo: Yay! So you get to put your expertise into practice right there with your family.
Dr. Tobin: That's right. I get to go through it all again, but from a very different and wonderful perspective.
Marijo: Excellent. Well, this book is amazing. It's a DK book, so you can imagine the layout is beautiful. I was provided a copy, just so everyone knows. It's so cute, and it has such great advice. Tell us a little about why you wrote it.
Dr. Tobin: It's funny, because I didn't intend to write another book. This is my third, and I wrote the other two decades ago. But the publishers approached me, and we had a really great conversation about what was on the market and what might be missing. It struck me that there was a big gap I wanted to fill. Most parenting books focus on how to change our kids, how to get them to behave better. But in my way of thinking, there's one step that comes first, and it was missing: how we even think about a kid's misbehavior. And by kids, I'm really talking about toddlers, the one- to three- or four-year-olds. The steps in the book are good for children of all ages, but I'm particularly focused on the younger ones.
Marijo: So you're talking about the root cause of why they behave the way we don't want them to?
Dr. Tobin: Not even so much why, but how we think about it, because how we think about it really influences how we manage it. This is such innocent behavior at this age. I'm not even sure “misbehavior” is the right term. When we change how we think about it, it becomes naturally much easier to deal with calmly and with composure. That's the piece I really wanted to include, along with kind but still confident and firm ways of shaping our kids' behavior, and all the teaching that needs to come later. I like people to think about how to handle discipline in the moment and after. I hope that comes out in the book, because what happens after is so important, not just what happens in the moment.
Marijo: Right, because that continues to shape their behavior in other ways. Do you have an example?
Dr. Tobin: Let's say a child grabs a toy from another child. Usually we think about dealing with it right then and there. And yes, you do have to deal with it right then. But later you can teach your kids how to ask for a turn, how to share, or how to ask, “Can I play with you?” These are really effective ways of changing a child's behavior without yelling, without punishment, without making them feel bad. They're so young. They just need to be taught skills they haven't had time on this planet to develop.
Marijo: Exactly. I love that there are quizzes in there for parents, and sections on one-year-olds, two-year-olds and three-year-olds, with little bubbles that tell you what a one-year-old is concerned with, what a two-year-old is concerned with. It's so helpful to understand the mindset of the child, so a parent can understand what's happening and why.
Dr. Tobin: I think realistic expectations are a huge part of what's missing in today's discipline. There's very little talk about what we can reasonably ask of our kids, and a lot about how to deal with the misbehavior that often results from unrealistic expectations. That's not meant to be blame. It's just that once those big milestones are over, we don't talk about milestones as much.
Marijo: That's true. You've just retired from a long practice. How have you seen things evolve over time?
Dr. Tobin: Really huge changes. I've seen lots of parenting styles come and go. When I started my practice, and when my kids were little, the focus was on giving three warnings and then sending them to their room for a timeout. I was never happy with that. I didn't have a name for what I was doing instead, but I didn't support timeouts for very long because I didn't find they worked. So many parents would say, “I send my kid to a timeout and they come right out and do the same misbehavior again.” I've seen that wave come and go, and now the gentle parenting direction has come in and changed the approach dramatically. I'm hesitant to use the word “gentle parenting.” I don't use that term myself. I talk about big-hearted responses instead.
Marijo: I love that term, big-hearted responses. And the generation that's parenting now was treated a little differently as children themselves.
Dr. Tobin: Yes. I see that with my own daughter. It's wonderful watching this generation parent, except I think sometimes there's too much emphasis on the gentle component and we forget the real need to teach and guide. There's one other thing, which comes from doing this for so long. I saw many of my patients go from newborns to new parents and come back to me as new parents. I saw how important our own habits are to what our kids pick up. That's one part of parenting we don't talk about enough: the example we set in all those tiny ways makes a huge difference. Kids learn more from that than from the lectures, the bribing, the nagging, the timeouts or the gentle parenting. It's who we are and how we interact with people in the world.
Marijo: So they're watching you talk to the person at the grocery store.
Dr. Tobin: Exactly. They pick up all those little things we give so little thought to.
Marijo: People are also so worried about being judged in public, or even getting in trouble for certain behaviors, like yelling.
Dr. Tobin: Parenting in public is a really hard situation, because there are all these eyes on you with very different opinions. Some will be supportive, which we don't really think about, but there will certainly be people there to criticize you. That's a very small part of our parenting, though. It's more all those invisible little things. You hold the door open for somebody. You say thank you. You treat people with respect regardless of their position. Those are the things kids pick up. I see it with my own kids, and I give my husband the credit, because he's an exceptionally polite human being. My kids are exceptionally polite and caring, and I can see where it came from. We never lectured them. You just pick up a lot from your parents that we're not even thinking about.
Marijo: Do you have any really interesting or crazy stories from over the years with toddlers?
Dr. Tobin: One story I often tell is about my kids. I have four. Two are very easygoing, and one was more of a challenge. Every family has its challenging kid, and he's the most wonderful human being, but as a three-year-old he was a handful. We took a trip to Naples, Florida, and we were having such a relaxing time. We went out for dinner on our way home from a day at the beach, and we were sitting at a table next to the pool, all having fun. My husband reached across the table and took a French fry or potato chip from my son, and my son had the biggest meltdown. He swept his arm across the table and everything went flying. Some of it ended up in the pool. It was one of the biggest tantrums I've ever had to deal with in public. But it had an amazing outcome that I'll never forget. I took my son to a corner where we calmed down, and as we walked back to the table, people clapped for him and gave him high fives. They said, “Yeah, I don't like it when people take my food either.” They were incredibly supportive and kind. It never happened again, and it was a lovely experience for my son, who didn't feel ashamed afterward.
Marijo: Oh my goodness, what a day! In the book you talk about tantrums, potty learning, picky eating, sleep. Are there takeaways you can share with our listeners?
Dr. Tobin: Some of these you've probably heard many times. Tantrums are natural and normal, and it's important to get comfortable with them, because they're going to happen regardless, and they're healthy. Picky eating is a big problem, and it comes in many shapes and flavors. Some of it can be avoided by recognizing that there's a stage where kids start to express their independence and may also feel fearful around new foods. Be supportive, offer choices, and make sure you always have a food your child is comfortable with, without getting into food wars. Do whatever you can to avoid a food war. Don't ask for another bite, and don't say, “You won't get dessert until you eat this.” The food wars are what make mealtime difficult. They can't be 100 percent avoided, but they can be hugely reduced by recognizing that for many picky eaters it's just a natural phase of the toddler stage.
Bedtime is another big one, because there's a lot of trouble with separation. What I've found really helpful with patients is recognizing that it's not kids trying to be difficult. It's kids having a hard time separating. At this age it's the only time in their life they're without an adult. Just like it's hard to say goodbye at daycare drop-off, it's the same at bedtime. Let your child know you understand: “Yes, it's hard to say good night.” But still hold firm, because they need you to be firm to feel safe. So, no, we won't have five books. Why don't we pick two, and I'll read the others in the morning? That can really help the transition go more smoothly.
Marijo: I never thought about it from a separation standpoint. I thought it was more about control. But it makes sense. They've spent the whole day with an adult and now they have to let go.
Dr. Tobin: Transition objects really help. Some of my kids loved a stuffed animal or a blankie, and that made it so much easier. For other kids it doesn't work, but if you can encourage a transition object, it helps a child feel alone but not alone.
Marijo: That's a good one. You also mentioned making goodbyes easier. How can parents do that?
Dr. Tobin: That was a big problem in my family with my youngest, the baby. What helped her may help other children. First, recognize that children don't have a sense of time. When you say goodbye, they don't understand when you're coming back. So acknowledge it: “It's really hard to say goodbye. It's hard for you and it's hard for me.” Let them know what's going to happen: you'll go into your classroom, your teacher will play with you, you'll sit in circle time. Then help them feel connected. We put a little picture book in my daughter's backpack and looked at it before she left. We drew a little heart on our hands so we each felt a connection. What helped the most, though, was realizing it's the separation from you. If they go in and have a good time, it's not that they're unhappy where they are. It's the moment of separation. So we started picking up a friend on the way to daycare. I helped another family by picking up their child, and the two of them walking in together made it so much easier than sending my daughter off by herself. And if your child is old enough, ask them, “What do you think would help make this easier?” Kids have a lot of the answers, and we forget to ask them.
Marijo: I love that. And picking up a friend means they're in it together.
Dr. Tobin: Yes. They have support.
Marijo: Another topic I found interesting is preparing for a sibling. You clearly experienced that with multiple children.
Dr. Tobin: We always went on the assumption that we were giving our child a gift, because siblings are there for life. A lot of people feel guilty about adding another child and what they're taking away from the first one. I'd encourage you to think of the gift. I'd also encourage you not to make too much of the moment they first meet. It's not as memorable to a child as it is to us, so don't worry if it doesn't go well. Preparation is a big thing. How we talk about the baby and how the baby affects a toddler's life can create jealousy, and that takes time to develop and to undo. So be careful about blaming everything on the baby. If your child needs your attention and the baby is crying, instead of saying, “I can't right now, the baby's crying,” say, “I'd love to play with you once my hands are free. What should we do?” That takes the weight off the baby. I'd also plan a box of special toys that only comes out when you feed the baby, so the baby gets fed and your toddler gets special toys to focus on. That way they feel they're getting something too, and they don't experience the baby as always taking something away.
Marijo: Is that what causes regression, like in potty training? Do they feel neglected?
Dr. Tobin: To a certain extent. I'm not sure how much we can avoid it. All of a sudden there's a new human being, and it's a huge change in a child's life. Some children experience it as upsetting, though for most kids it's both negative and positive. Along those lines, if your child says negative things, don't take them away. Just be understanding: “Yes, it's hard having a new sibling. She cries a lot. I get it.” Instead of saying, “You don't feel that way. You love your sister,” validate them. They have a whole lifetime to work on their relationship, and you don't have to do it all right now. Also, don't assume your child will be jealous. Some kids are and some aren't. And some kids like being the helper, but some don't. It comes naturally to ask, “Can you run and get me this or that?” But notice how your child responds.
Marijo: That's true. When my youngest son was born, my daughter, who is very much a nurturer, loved helping, and I never sensed any jealousy. She was a little older too, about five. I love that you engage them through their strengths.
Marijo: Do you have a special secret mom hack, or a tip people don't talk about, that we can leave listeners with?
Dr. Tobin: I have two things. The first is what I call a power pause. I encourage parents to create a bit of space between a child's misbehavior that's driving them crazy and their reaction to it. If safety allows, take a moment and let your nervous system calm down. Parents and caretakers are human beings too. You have the same fight-or-flight response, and you're getting revved up. Figure out what works best for you. It might be feeling your feet on the ground, counting to 10, singing a song, or walking a few steps away. It takes just a few seconds, and the more you do it, the quicker your system calms down, so you can handle the situation in a way you feel proud of. If you only remember one thing, that would be it.
Marijo: That's a great one.
Dr. Tobin: My second is taking a big-hearted interpretation. It goes back to how we look at misbehavior. Before responding to your child's behavior, instead of thinking of them as misbehaving, think of them as immature or inexperienced. It takes the weight off. It's a very generous interpretation of their behavior that's based on reality. It is not permissive. I'm not suggesting you let things go, but it allows you to handle things in a way that feels genuine and calmer. Often with gentle parenting, we're faking it. We don't feel that calm. This lets you feel calmer because you see the innocence in your child's behavior as their brain matures and catches up. Again, I'm talking about young children here.
Marijo: Those are amazing. Thank you. Where can we find your book, and where can we find out more about you?
Dr. Tobin: My book is available through any major bookseller, as well as Amazon and Indigo. I'm at Healthiest Baby, and I also have a podcast by the same name as the book. The book is Toddlers Made Easy and my podcast is also Toddlers Made Easy.
Marijo: We'll make sure those are linked in the show notes so people can find you, follow you and listen to your podcast. Thank you so much for joining us today. It's been such a pleasure, and I hope listeners check out your book. It's a great, great book.
Dr. Tobin: Thank you so much. It was very nice to meet you.
Marijo: Thank you. Bye-bye.
Outro (recorded)
This has been the Teaching Your Toddler Show with Marijo Tinlin. Thank you so much for joining us today. If you enjoyed today's show, please leave a five-star review or a thumbs up so we can reach more parents like you. To be notified when new shows post, please subscribe by sending an email to subscribe@teachingyourtoddler.com. For more expert interviews, fun activities and storytime podcasts, please visit our website at teachingyourtoddler.com. All of our shows are also posted as videos on our YouTube channel at Marijo Tinlin. Find us on Facebook at TeachingYourToddler, X at TeachingToddler, and Instagram at teachingyourtoddler, and make sure you check out our past shows. We have so many diverse topics, and there are most likely more shows you will enjoy. Thanks for joining us, and come back and see us again soon.
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